Behind Closed Doors.......

You want to know everything about me. From the vast amounts of Bull Shit in my head to the color of my toenail polish. You want to fill my head with your endless lies. More flamboyant and frequent as the years progress. You want me to imagine life with you....but with one stipulation.....Everything must be un-heard of to the others. No one can see, hear, or think we are connected. Would that possibly ruin your precious reputation? The image of a "Bad Boy." The one who "one nights" them. Them...the un-aware whores that plaster themselves upon your piece of sex...for moments of pleasure...to be escorted swiftly out hours later. Only after the respectable amount of time...will you text, or call them again...make meaningless small talk...and ultimately get down to business once again. Your guilt is flushed with the next conquest, until one. She is more desired then the vast amounts of others that you have drained your lust in. You start to get those strange feelings in the pit of your stomach when even her name is mentioned. Oh shit. You have got to "fuck her," and bail. In the back of your spacious mind....you could possibly like her...maybe one day...that could amount to love? No...not you. Not the career "player." Not the guy who has maxed his limit of phone numbers to store in his phone. All with specific titles like..."Bouncy," because she only rides. Or "Easy," because when in doubt this one will answer at 3:29am on a Tuesday morning. You breath, eat, and sleep....sex. You wake up hard, and you start dialing your numbers. You go to bed satisfied...with the bitter taste of sex in your mouth. You start getting these emotions...jealousy---why is she smiling with the loser on the other side of the bar. Why is she ignoring my phone calls and my text? Oh shit....those feelings again. What the fuck is this? You have never been here before. You now decide to practice your game on some less-desired scarlette, and she molds easily to your plan. You have conquered one...she can't be that hard?You very slyly run your game. You succeed to an encounter. At your place of course....to personal to be in hers. You would have to have an excuse to leave and you just don't do nervousness. You have her on the couch....you are filling her ears with your whispered lies. You are telling her everything she wishes to hear...and seducing her with the upmost ease. She comes to you...she gives you her all...and she pleases you like no other. You still force her to leave at the end of the tour. She is to high on pleasure to realize your game. She yearns for the next time she will be in your arms, legs draped around your waist, and lips sparking a trail of fire down the side of your sweaty neck. You lay in your bed...utterly spent. Your head is pounding with questions. You don't know how to shut it up. You decide that she is worth another round. You want to test her limits....and see if she can test yours. You want her in your arms, your hands securely on her ass, and your mouth exploring all areas forbidden. You can't chase the feeling away. You decide at that moment...you need her. No one can know this. What will they think...if they know, I have been dethroned from the position of full-time man whore? I have to keep this hidden, I have to show her no mercy in public. I have to be ruthless. I have to make her hate me. She will puddle in my arms, once behind closed doors...but to the spectators in the stands......I have to remain-an obscenely numbered woman.....man. But behind that petrified wood door with the brass knob.....I am completely and desirably hers.

7 DAYS WITHOUT YOU....

At the moment I am hurt! However, I am stubborn as Hell. I will not call him. He is in the wrong.....BIG TIME. What confuses me to the point of slitting wrists, is he has made no attempt to contact me at all since the big "text message." I swear to the fucking man on the damn moon...."MEN-YOU NEED TO GROW A PAIR AND CONFRONT SOMEONE WITH PROBLEMS, ISSUES, FEELINGS IN FUCKING PERSON. DO NOT PUSSY-OUT AND SHORT-HAND IT ALL DOWN IN SOME NON-PERSONAL TEXT MESSAGE."

OK. I considered he and I friends. Possibly, best friends. I could pretty much tell him anything, as he could me. I know all about the x-gril, who has dramaticaly re-appeared in his life again after a year. [Do not feel like getting into all the details about her] He has kept in contact with her through-out the year...and everyone knew they were bound to get back together. I met him last May thru some mutual friends. Of course I thought he was HOT. Definition of HOT:Has job, Has own house, Has own vehicle...and there were added qualititues. Example:Very Witty-with the annoying sarcasim that I have exceeded to pro-status at, he seemed caring, respectful, and all-in-all fun to be around. So of course I had a miny crush on him....TO BEGIN WITH. After getting to know him...it wasn't that I lost those middle school feelings for him-but it turned into what I considered a great friendship. I cared about him, in a way that I care about my "girl" friends. I called to check on him, and he called to check on me-to catch up-listen to each other's latest problems...and blah blah blah.

I guess I should have realized that when the ol' x-girl came back in the picture, that our friendship would need to take a step-down. Jealousy is ugly...and apprently it reared it's hideous head. He just recently got a cell phone, so he text me occasionaly, and I text him occasionaly. Sent him some of those-"funny texts-that you forward." That kind of shit. Well after two days of not hearing from him, I decided to send him a text that said....."miss you." Well, apprently "miss you," really means "i want to fuck you and we have had something going on for moths now." Please! Well he didn't text me back. So I waited another day and it was Friday night. I text him a couple times and he didn't respond. I have no rememberence of what I texted to him those first couple of times, because it wasn't really significant to remember. I do remember texting "ASS," to him when he didn't respond to them. Well-that one got an answer. "What the fuck did I do, why are you calling me an ass?" I told him I had been texting him for a couple days and he had not responded. He then told me he was with the x-girl, and was busy. So, un-hurt(BECAUSE I UNDERSTOOD), I said "cool, didn't mean to botha ya. have fun-late." (or something very similar to that) That same night, I went out to visit some friends and have a few drinks, and he shows up......(without the x-girl) He and I chated for a min, like usual and then he left and I played DD to the drunks. END OF STORY!

The next day, I recieve a missed call-because I was asleep, and about two text. All from him. (Now-I know I bitched earlier about men texting instead of talking-he could have left me a voicemail or came to see me in person-I will not let that slide) I read the first text which started off something like, "will you do me a favor and back off a little bit. I am trying to make things work with x-girl and you are really complicating things.[hmmm...didn't know our friendship was complicating]". Next text stated, [she is getting upset because you have me and you on your default picture on facebook[no-idiot-i have you, me, and my best friend-who always have to have a picture of us three when we go out],and you need you to back off...with like 100 pleases attached to it." OK-ALICIA was pissed.

I backed off alright-because ALICIA....deleted his ass from her phone, myspace, and deleted every single picture of him and her. [I know it was a little over-board, but I was really hurt.]

The next thing I know-I am checking my facebook and his x-girl has sent me a messaged. HELL MOST BE FREEZING OVER. She says that he insists that he and I have nothing going on, and never did; but by the way I am acting she couldn't tell. She understood there are two sides to every story, and she just wanted to hear mine. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I didn't know he and I had a story...but WHATEVER. I simply wrote her back with...."He WAS my friend, that's it."


Anyways, my brother got pissed at this whole thing because it made me cry. Well my feelings are hurt. [But then again-my brother knows I rarely cry.....so this must have really hurt] B won't answer his calls or text messages.....and this is pissing him off.

YOU WANT TO KNWO WHAT IS PISSING ME OFF????

He has yet to contact me in any form, since his ridiculous text messages. He is only concerned that B, is mad at him and not me.

He never really was my friend, was he?????


It's been about a week....and it feels weird not to be able to call him...but I don't feel like I lost a boyfriend......SO THERE X-GIRL......if I was acting all weird like I wanted to hook up...wouldn't I be watching the Notebook FOR THE 100TH TIME EATING ICE CREAM IN MY SWEATS! NO, you annoying voice idiot, I am only upset that I lost what I thought was a real good friend.

arriving at the speed of Molasses.(spelling-oh bite me)

The things that you never want to come about appear at the speed of light, while the things you have spent sweat, tears, and mind power on...arrive at the speed of Molasses. Trying to decipher between the vast amounts of Bullshit in my life vs. the trivial amount of Real Shit is taking a toll on my mental health.

I was finaly told to see a physician regaurding my "ill-mannored," attitude, by two of the most valued persons in my life. "Hmm...do they really think I am mental?" Hell, I think I am mental. My happiness comes in bouts only. I am generaly in the "I will Fuck You Up, if you look at me like that one more time...You Fucking Bitch," mode. I can easily hate. It comes naturaly to me. If I don't like you, I sure as HELL don't LIKE you. I will make no fake puppetry acts to convience you otherwise. TRUST ME. I can see through Bullshit, and I will never believe what you say to me. I make no apologies for this....I base my mind-set on experience alone. The general population of people I come in contact with are "Addicts,": Users of anothers sources, attributes, niceness, possessions, and or anything that strikes their fancy at that particular moment. I have tried to give the over-rated "benefit of the doubt," but irionicaly enough I don't doubt them. I know what they are capable of and what they are not capable of. I don't view this as ir-rational, deranged or even mentally ill behavior. I view this as educated, preventative, aware, and RATIONAL behavior. Why should I trust anything or one, until I am proven incorrect in my pre-formed hypothesis? Give me percentages, statistics, or FACTS to prove my hypothesis in-correct before you pitch your hissy fit. I have my handful of rocks, (rocks:individuals I trust, respect, and love.)I don't NEED anyone else. I am not a vicious person, but I will not go out of my way to "get to know you," "like you," or "be-friend you." I am cordial, I won't be so dramatic as to bite your head off at first incounter, but neither will I seem interested or phazed.

I am giving you this summary of my personal feelings, way of life, or thoughts(whichever expression you deem fits) to explain my headline to this blog.

I can obtain the un-wanted significantly faster then the wanted. I am assuming because I intentionaly pre-pare myself for the un-wanted, because I am "Use to it." It feels home to me. A place I am comfortable, a place I am deemed to dwell. I can deal with heart ache, difficulties, pain(emotional and or physical), destruction, wrath, mistakes, or any other non-likable scenerio, more-so then something I have lusted, wanted, desired, or dreamt about. My needs are met-maybe not with the accuracy I want...but dreams-they remain un-fullfilled. I am one person who will never wish for the future....just live for today. Deal with today and sleep until tomorrow comes. Life becomes a repeticious cycle of yesterdays. Yesterdays choices effect today's new desicions. It will always be a mind-war. One will never be able to keep the days unsocial. They will remain connected through time. The life you live today will be the future you live tomorrow. The un-easy answers become your closest friend, and the dreams become your enemy. You will grow to hate your dreams, because they are a lossing target. My arrow is crooked, and my bow broken. I will arch and miss, repeatedly, but damit I still hold on to that sorry excuse for a future of some sort. Even if broken and crooked. My aim is my destiny. Terrific-a long shot if there ever was one.

When the scissors fail to cut the string-use fire instead...

I have been somewhat busy the last few weeks. Drama everywhere I turn-wether at work, home, or out and about with my peoples. It amazes me to know end the things you find out AFTER THE FACT.

Let's start with GIRL/BOY(Suga Daddy) situation:

I will go ahead and say it now, " I am a fucking idiot." There. Just so everyone understands that I already knew this, in advance, before I made the decisions I made. Here comes the gossip: "What had happend was," ....I was falling extremely hard and fast-freakishly fast, for Suga Daddy. Who knows why? I still havn't figured that out.(I have decided to write this in first person vs. hypothetical situation-that everybody knew was about me) I racked my brain those first few days after 'ol boy told me he was going back to his wife.
{Insert nice comeback towards drunk horny guy at bar}: A random guy asked me one time, "Hey Beautiful(blah, blah, blah)! What is the biggest turn off for you?" I replied in a sassy manor,"A wife."

And here comes the I knew's: I knew 'ol boy had been previously married 4 times. I knew 'ol boy and I experienced a night of pure bliss-2 and 1/2 hours after meeting each other, I knew 'ol boy is mental(in a sexy-let me save you from yourself way), and I knew 'ol boy was to intelligent to be geniuine.

Apparently all my "I knew's" helped very little in the realization that 'ol boy just played the oldest horn-dog(lack of better expressive word) game in the book. Thus, his "running game" was significantly more advanced then mine. I was blinded by my lust. Lust for someone who was everything I never wanted. I never wanted to be attracted to a man who was almost twice my age. I never wanted to be attracted to someone that I couldn't take home to my family-because fear of bible thumping judgements. I never wanted to be attracted to a man who captivated all of my thoughts-leaving little room for me to be selfish. I had only known him a week. I am not the type of person who builds emotions for someone easily-I use to be, yes. Not now, not when I can be victomized for feelings I can not control. I am an intelligent solider in the war between men and women. I don't believe the under-thought sleezy attempts at compliments, I don't believe the "BULLSHIT" that seeps out of every body with a penis that I have encounted in my 23 years.

For some un-known reason-I was completely dumb-founded by 'ol boy. Everything he said-sounded raw. The heat in his touch-was enough to bring persperation to my forehead. The look in his eyes....I felt only I could read. All five of my scenses were devoured by him person. He was tugging slowly at the strings attached to my heart. I could feel those words bubbling in the pit of my throat-Those three words. The words that establish a rise of something better, or defeat of something that once was a possiblity. The three words-every girl DOES NOT want to hear-if every part(mind, body, and soul) of the story teller does not believe in them when said......."I LOVE YOU." I have inquired to myself 54644656.6 times how I could even think that after only one week? No answer again.

Needless to say: I was hurt. All five scenses drained. My mind raced for a few days-while the heat of my anger flooded my expressions. I snapped at those I tend to joke and laugh with. I felt as if I could explode everything I was feeling on some poor person-that unfortunately got caught up in my rath.

Of course I talked with my set of ears, and she said all of the correct things a best friend is supposed to say. The one thing she said that sedated my angry self was, "You are only human Alicia. You do have feelings, and they can be hurt. No one can tell you how to feel. You may have only known him for a week, but if you hurt now-then you felt something then."

It was ok for me to be upset. I was allowed. I didn't need anyone's permission.

I am shacked up in this apartment with my mother, and father. I have ABSOLUTELY no privacy. The day after I recieved the "text message" that 'ol boy was getting back together with his wife, I flipped my fucking lid. Living in Thomasville-there is really no where to go. I of course went to Walmart and walked around. I talked on the phone to my girl mess for a little while, then went to see a friend who was at home re-covering for a minor surgery. Getting away from the apartment called me down somewhat. When I finaly decided to head back home-I got on the phone with my ears and we talked a little more. I ended up writing a blog on myspace-a blog in which the f-word made more then one apperance in every sentence. Every single feeling I had-I wrote. Every ounce of anger I felt-left my body when placed to virtual paper. It hadn't completely healed me, but it cleared my blurred mind enough to be able to concentrate on more of my life.

After texting 'ol boy a few days after he sent me that "fucking" text message(which I didn't respond to-I had no words in my head at that time), he was of course-short and annoyed with me. I was apparently bothering him with my questions. Alicia didn't give a DAMN. I wished him luck with the wife-and his clever(asshole) response was, "Bye." I sent back another text(like I have the mental capacity of a 8th grader) that said, "BYE?" [Insert jepordy theme song here]: He responded with-I just wanted to see how you would respond, if I acted all final and hard.


Another big relaization: This mother fucker has been playing me the whole damn time. I started to think back to all of our conversations-our experiences. He was playing with my fucking head. Another example: I have this weird fetish for Amy Lee and Kat Von D. They are extremely gorgeous woman-one has such artistic beauty-and the other has an angelic voice. Back to point: I had sarcastically written my status on Myspace as: Wouldn't a three-some with Kat Von D and Amy Lee be wicked hot?" In one of 'ol boy's text back to me-he refered to his wife as crazy because she loved "girl on girl action." He loved that about her-how hot that was-and how she's just not like anyone else he has ever met....blah fucking blah. At the time-that didn't strike me as similar to me. However-I see the big picture. Anything I had told him about myself, my wants, my desires-and even my faults-he toyed with.

I am sure you are wondering, how can you come up with this theory over a text message and a myspace status? There were several similar events just like the previous one that happened through out the entire week we "talked." There was also a myspace blog war-both knew we were playing it with each other-but neither mentioned the blog to each other anytime we spoke. There were re-buttles in each of our blogs-shot directly to the one who was reading it everytime a new one was written. (he knew I loved reading his blogs-he knew I would read it)

I am still stuck with alot of questions regaurding 'ol boy, but he no longer captivates my every thought. My mental scissors were not cutting threw the strings he had attached to my heart........so I burt them instead!


I really do have trouble trusting any man-I am horribly shocked I got so wrapped up in this one. I can't justly describe why I felt the way I felt about him, or even why. I know I was hurt-am still somewhat hurt. I know I don't need to blame myself-but in somways-I am at falt for letting myself fall victim to someone whose life-pleasure is minipulating everything that is the exsistance of a person.


*Sad thing is-I am going to miss his mind. Every dark corner of his deliciously sexy mind leaves me as curious as a cat in a room full of brick-or-brack.

I think I dreamed you into life....

Friday night was exactly what I needed. Perfect Times-with Perfect Friends. $5.00 Yeger Bombs-who could resist-2 or 10. I love my set of ears, and my girl Casey. Blair was awesome for driving-even though ya girl got her license back and was planning to drive. The plan failed when ya girl-opened her first beer. Headed to Soundvent-Pulse rocked the house-with only us 4 there. So-we hit up After Hours-bought the dollar membership-to get discounts in the near future. Ya girl-had game fo sho. Mens everwhere talking about my eyes. Had a pretty good kiss with the boy she's know since age 11. But decided she wanted to see Suga Daddy after about the 20th Yeger Bomb. Ya Girl-kissed the BFF's goodnight-and went to see her man! Slept Great-mind you-it was freezing-but great. Spent Saturday replaying all events from the night before and heading to G-boro to see 'ol girl mess. Ate some wings with Mess-then headed to a house party. So easy to laugh and be amused when you are completely sober. Spent Sunday with the brother and Brandy girl. Hit up Logan's for a hot minute-then headed home to watch the Steeler's Win Big. Did some laundry and still thinking about Friday nights events.

Working today-and waiting on a phone call-trying hard not to seem clingy and nagging. But ya girl is definately fenning!(sp)-don't feel like looking up the spelling. Definition:wanting more!

Ya girl-will hit up more later when she can use all parts of the brain. Right now-I am a bit annoyed(hence-work-monday-idiots), pissed at the reaction of a friend who is a few years older then she, but acts like she's in middle school. Get over it and put ya big girl panties on. Wants it to snow-but does not want to be stuck inside watching Lifetime tomorrow-because I am depressed enough at the moment.

I guess it dosn't really matter because no-body reads this anyways. OH FUCKING WELL!

I leave my shadow to fall behind....

Update on GIRL situation:

Girl spoke with Sugar Daddy tonight...and have made plans to spend the majority of the weekend together.

Girl has feeling Sugar Daddy is probably "playing her like Dime Bag Darrelle plays the guitar", but girl is un-fazed.

Girl can't get enough of Sugar Daddy at the moment...and wants to pick apart every inch of his brain.

Girl wants to devour his body for her own sensual pleasures....and GIRL desperately needs some ATTENTION.

Girl has forgotten about Mr. Warrior of Sex for the time being. (she feels if she keeps him waiting-it will be a highly exotic experience if and when she decideds to play war with him)

~*As for me, I can't wait til tomorrow!

It's not what good girls do......

So, January starts and I am questioning my once established morals. Hypothetical situation(not really):

GIRL: Has never had a REAL relationship. Has successfully lusted, and been successfully lusted after by several boys and/or men...but never experienced the most mind shattering-world changing-story writing-word that will never be justly defined......LOVE.

• She wants ATTENTION....not bouts at a time, but consecutive ATTENTION. That attention would require her significant other to want to understand exactly what makes her function the way she functions. That significant other would be interested in the skeletons that are dramatically taking up the required shoe space in her closet. [From here on out we will associate "Significant Other" as Sig] Sig would not necissarily be interested in the same genre of activities she is, but would not mind tagging along to a few or inquiring about the why's and how's she became interested in them.
• Said Sig, would challenge her....in all ways positive....sexualy, mentaly, emotionaly, and in some aspects physicaly. (you know-get off your fat ass-and go for a run.......NOT-wearing sunglasses at night to hide what your makeup failed to cover)
• Said Sig, would also be flattered that she would want to do all these same aspirations for him.

BOY: Has no real motive to venture into anything past SEX. Has the small little piece of baggage (he thoughtfully mentioned after girl accepted the date)....and that baggage would be considered his GIRLFRIEND. Boy sees no problem with this. Boy states that his relationship with Baggage is up in the air, and he wants to test waters elsewhere......But amusingly this will have to be done behind closed doors-and with no spectators.

*Girl is also lusting hard over another [BOY], who is a wee bit older then she. {well in "wee bit's" definition: 15 years} 2nd Boy...is handsome in all ways belived to not be handsome. 2nd Boy is also extremely intelligent-it's almost orgasmic thinking about it. Edge of Seat Moment: 2nd Boy has already had 4 wives!

~Girl is heavily thinking about joining the convict.(but begging to add color-to their horrid wardrobe)

Finaly: Girl's Moral Question......

Should she become the "other woman"....and be voluntarily seduced by Mr. Warrior of Sex.....OR.....Should she flirt like hell with the potential sugar daddy-who captivates her mind as well as the spot between her legs........OR(lack of better work)......Should she dismiss both....open her toy chest....and read enough books......to satisfy her attention/dry spell?

*~ Guess I should really go back to work.....I will re-touch this issue....for GIRL(ha)....later today.