Man OH Man

I have always considered myself an "on the surface" type of person. However, I have come to the realization that I am the furtherest thing from it. I am not the type that mumbles off beligerent words to strangers passing by, nor am I one who takes time to look at the small things in life. I am the one that rationalizes every bold decision, after I have already persued a course of action. I sickin my head with meaningless, "what if's" til literaly every cow has come home.

Apparently, growing up allows one to decipher thru fact and fiction before he or she attempts to derive at a decision....therefore, I am not grown. All 5'1 inches of my decieving body is grown to the max. Mentaly, I have not achieved adulthood.

Currently, I am in the process of getting my limit-enduced life back on track. I placed every single barrier and/or obstical in my life exactly where it is. I am horrible with directions, so therefore, my assumptions on my detours leave me searching around for a local gas station with an ill-willed attendant to direct me along the right road.

I am greatful for the some of the decisions I have recently made that allow me to for-go the detours and head directly to my destination. Thank the Lord, I have begun using Mapquest before I head out.

I am still having problems in the "maybe I want a companion," "maybe I just want a booty call," or "maybe I want both," area. If it were not for my witty set of ears that has listioned to my never-ending "As the World Turns," escapades.....I would be a hermit-of a gal, spending my Friday nights with Nicholas Sparks, a glass of white wine, and a pair of men's jogging pants.

I feel I have reached a level of satisfaction-mind you-not a great one-but still....one. I have a very charasmatic group of confidants (with my witty ears being the ring leader)[oh-and a co-ed group at that], I have managed to bury most of past in the depths of my mind-where the spiders are spinning away at their webs, I have also managed to let go of a few sins that had maintained a eerily black glaze over my beating heart. I am no where near proud of the person I have become, and I probably never will be. My expectations for myself are clearly miles ahead of the expectations I hold for others.

I still have yet to fully place my trust in any one thing/being, but in this-for the most part I am greatful. I set no expectations, so I have no lost hope. My faith is slightly existant...but possibly could be managed to some degree in the near future.

I still manage to close my eyes everynight in trance of some ficticious fantasy I have rolling through my mind. Thankfully, though I play the leading roll in all of these now....and do not wish to be starred by someone else.

I have secretly made a few resulotions this year, and by listing them below...they no longer have to hold ground in just my thoughts:

1.Go fishing.
2.Do not look at everything negativly, before experiencing what the dreaded experience may become.
3.Form some kind of bond between the two men that are and will always be the loves of my life.
4.Forgive, Forgive, and Forgive myself for not allowing me to be who I really want to be.
5.Write that DAMNED novel.
6.Express my appreciation more-so in my actions, then the glimer in my eyes.
7.Enjoy what little youth I have left.
8.Spend at least one day out of every week in a humble stance.
9.Allow myself to weigh individuals good characteristics over their less than par.

AND...........ta da...

10. Be the woman my mother has always known I could be.



With all that said....WELCOME 2009.



*I hope to keep this blog up. I feel a sense of release once I put some of my thoughts to paper[or virtual paper]. I may not need those funny little pills from the doctor, I have been begging for.

Pleased to entertain your thoughts for a moment or two....if you feel the need....leave me something challenging.

Always-Lovers,

Alicia D. Alexander